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All the things I hate about him…

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imagesI have so much I hated about him. And I still have a lot I hate about him. There is just so much to hate I don’t know where to begin. I hate his small eyes. They don’t notice me. I hate his ears. They don’t hear my heart screaming for him. I hate his tongue. They don’t talk about me. I hate his lips. It has kissed my friend’s before. I hate his shoulders. I can’t cry on it. I hate his fingers. They don’t type messages for me on his phone anymore. I hate his hands. I haven’t held them yet and I don’t think I will ever be able to. I hate his feet. They won’t walk towards me.
I hate the way he just looks at me when we see each other when I have someone with me. I hate the fact that he can look away and pretend he doesn’t know me. In this, I hate most that he can walk past me naturally and perfectly. I hate the way he told me it wasn’t his birthday when I greeted him. I hate it so much because I knew for a fact that it was really his birthday. I hate the way he didn’t retract it and said thank you. In this, I hate most that he sent a group message thanking all those who greeted him and when I confronted him about it, he didn’t seem to care. I hate it when I see him doing sacristy in Church. I hate it that whether I am seating at the front or at the back of the church, I feel his small eyes looking at me. I hate the fact that I couldn’t concentrate on the mass. In this, I hate most that when he actually sees me, he chooses the farthest chair and the farthest line from me for the communion.

I hate that he doesn’t reply to my text messages anymore. I hate the fact that when he does, it would be very short. In this, I hate most that he doesn’t text me despite the fact that I know he has a load. I hate it when he calls me Beautiful. In this, I hate most that I know he doesn’t think of me in the same way when I don’t have make-up on. I hate the smile he gave me when I last saw him. I hate how uneasy and forced that smile seemed. I hate how sad I felt after he gave me that. In this, I hate most that I know he could smile sweetly and sincerely, but not to me.

I hate it that I am actually writing our love story now when there is no love story to begin with. I hate his arrogance. I hate his over self-confidence. I hate the way he thinks that he’s really popular. I hate how he thinks his eyes are really cute. In this, I hate most that he probably thinks I am one those girls who is sooo into him. I hate his insensitivity. I hate how he’s full of himself he forgets to empathize. In this, I hate most that we are totally opposites regarding this.

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. And what is most hateful about him is that despite all these things I mentioned, I don’t hate him at all. Despite all the things he’s said and done to hurt me, I love him just the same.

And because of this… I hate myself.

I hate myself for still hoping when I receive a message on my phone, it would come from him. I hate myself for hoping that each message that comes from him would have my name on it or would be sent a couple of times. I hate myself for still waiting… for still waiting for him to finally tell me likes me exclusively. I hate myself for wtill expecting that someday he would come up to me and try to prove that he really did and still does like me. I hate myself for seeing all the little things he does as magic. I hate myself for just liking him more in every step he does, in he move he makes and in every word he says. I hate myself for hearing his voice as music in my ears. I hate myself for still wondering where I went wrong and why it never worked out with him. I hate myself for seeing all his imperfections and yet, still love him for it.

Yes, I am in love with this boy who doesn’t love me back. I fell in love with him when I never should have in the first place. God knows how much I tried to suppress and hold back these feelings I have. But even though I love him, it isn’t enough for him to love me back. He doesn’t know anyway. And I have no plans of letting him know. It is not meant to be. Despite everything, I know he is a good guy. You can ask around and they say the same. He probably just doesn’t want me to expect anything from him. He is just being himself. And I know, I don’t deserve him. I am not a good person to begin with. I don’t stand a chance. Everything about the two of us started in the wrong way. I shouldn’t be given a chance although I am dying for one.

I hate him because I love him. I love him so much I couldn’t get myself to begin forgetting. I want him in my life so much, but only if he’d also want me in his. But he doesn’t. He wouldn’t. Although there’s not a chance that he will love me back anytime soon and although I don’t think I deserve to be loved by him, I’ll still wait.

Now I am hating him even more because I start to have have my statements contradicting each other. Now, I live for the day when I will finally write all the things I love about him.

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