I’ve been trying to get my smile back.
I still continue to smile at all the great things in my life, but lately I find myself losing that smile after a second or two. Perhaps I feel guilty when I catch myself smiling and being happy, when I know I’m sad inside. It’s as if my heart wants me to keep smiling, but my brain catches on and wipes the smile away almost instantaneously. Then I would just stare out to nothing and ask myself: What have I become? What happened to me?
I used to smile a lot and gave it my all, but now, when I catch myself smiling, I somehow feel guilty for doing so. I am not happy with my life and I know change has to happen for me to get my smile back, but I also know that this takes time. No one realizes the battle that I’m fighting within me. Everyone just assumes or tries to accept when I say that I’m ok because quite frankly, I think I do a pretty good job of hiding anything behind my smile. I know myself better than anyone though and I know that I am not ok. It’s just easier to tell people that I am ok, smile, then change the topic, than to actually talk about it.
I’m not too worried though, because I know that in due time, everything will be good again. I just have to keep telling myself that when I hit rock bottom, there’s no where else to go but up. I just gotta keep smiling and try to gain the happiness I want and deserve.